Future Captains of Industry, or leaders of the not-so-free world

I believe it's time to share the titles of the faux companies I've formulated in my "business english" courses. I've waited long enough, there's no excuse for denying you readers any longer. Here are some of my favorites:

Funzo Toy Company

Cyberdyne Computer Systems

Metropolis Clothing Ltd.

Flash Mobile Corporation

Bullitt Car Dealership

SOMA Pharmaceutical Group

Madison Hotels

Eldorado Travel Agency

Mercury Mobile

Zaphod Toy Co.

Skynet Computers

Red River Real Estate

Note: I used to seriously lament teaching this business english course. It involves a lugubrious commute from the main campus to a satellite campus of less-than-stellar students. Lo and behold these students aren't even english majors; rather, they study a subject which is entirely different but somehow one or two english language courses are compulsory for their degree. That's where I enter the picture.

In making the course (which I teach four times a week) tolerable, the names were the least I could do. This faux company premise for the course was also a measure to put responsibility on the students' shoulders. They run their own companies, in theory, and I must evaluate their progress over the course of sixteen weeks. Many of the groups tried to submit their own chinglish names for the company, but I vetoed this effort. There is no doubt that my cheeky efforts at pop culture and sci-fi references are lost on these students, but I can at least hope that one day a student may feel compelled to use google and discover the meaning behind their seemingly abstract company name.

If you go carryin' pictures of Chairman Mao...

Sometimes I think it might be fun to have a Party membership. I am referring to the one and only Party here in the land of Great Walls, Great food and Great (read: massive amounts of) people: the People's Communist party.

Allow me to illustrate my latest infatuation with this bureaucratic privilege. Last weekend my friend and colleague Colm was invited by a Chinese friend to a meal. He eagerly accepted the invitation because this friend of his owns a drum shop in town and is generous in allowing Colm time to bang the drums all day (when the spirit moves him). Colm probably believed that, by accepting this invitation to a meal, eventually he could have a drum session later on; but the following series of events didn't conform to this modest expectation.

Soon enough, Colm was spirited away to the neighboring province.

It began with Colm's drummer friend introducing him to his cousin, or brother, or in-law, or something of the sort. As it turns out, this relation of the drummer man was a certified Party member and his spouse was even a policewoman. Colm was a bit skeptical until he was shown the badge to back it up. Party members are given considerable privilege. Take for example the conduct on the roadways out here in China. Not that there are many rules to begin with, but those who can flash a fancy laminated ID proving their affiliation to Beijing can further ignore the scant rules of the road. This means taking liberties behind the wheel that no sensible, educated, or cautious western driver would ever conceive. When someone raises a fuss, the ID is produced and all concerns are assuaged. The odious conduct of the Party member behind the wheel is instead greeted with smiles and cheery waves.

After a time in the backseat of such a raucous road trip to the province just North of Jiangsu, Colm arrived at a gig with his new friends. He had a chance to bang out a few tunes, it was bliss. But night had already descended and Colm still hadn't eaten anything, and he was in another province altogether. Of course he didn't have to worry, because his new Party-affiliated chums briskly walked into a five star hotel with Colm in tow and told the front desk what was what. Colm was put up—free of charge—in a luxurious suite for the night and there were no questions asked; no bills to be settled; nary an eyebrow was raised in protest.

I'm taking some liberties in imagining the swift manner with which this bureaucratic bigwig handled all these hurdles. But that's half the fun anyhow.